Monday, April 30, 2012

19 Going On 30

19 Going on 30
-timothy michael fulghum-

“Don’t you want to live your life?
How much longer are you gonna
give into the fear holding you down
until you’re all alone and drowning in your past.”
from Evanescence’s “Disappear.”
Colors and walls blend
as my eyes spin, dizzy.
Bodies laugh; voices dance.
And I am one of them. We twist, and
turn; but we don’t stop. I feel
the uneasiness, yet our collected smiles
are more than enough to toss my head back
again. Drinking Snow’s poison,
 I feel free,
I feel new.
I feel.

I’m one red cloak from the wolf in the mirror;
the tell-all that will right me of my
faults and show me where I turned wrong.
The wall’s mirror holds truth -
who I’m to be and it’s
You. I fight the urge to fall; my balance
wavers, yet my determination
remains. But, you’re walking out –
I toss back. I’m not ready for reality.

Watching you walk away makes me
notice: your suave demeanor – a walking GQ
model. Your lips part, sharing wisdom –
how much longer will it be
until I breathe that knowledge?
I’m just a child, playing games; but you –
you’re the man I yearn to be.
I know you’re me; or I’m you?
I follow your lead.

Closing the door behind me,
I grab the light, and see myself.
While the party rages, my pale
knuckles hold edged marble;
my body begs to be caressed
by the floor. “This isn’t what I want,”
crosses my lips while my fingers
paw the  glass, a child lost in
his world of make-believe where

Alice spoke of the wonders
found on the Other Side.
And in the glass,
I see the muchness
I desperately crave –
my hands slip, smearing rubied red
across the countertop. My eyes haze;
my stomach churns and

the carousel slows, the floor settles
a turtled green –walls a pleated beige.
I want to lose it all: throw my head
forward, excise the poison, watch the colors
swirl. I want to hurt without the
pain. I want the crash, the freefall, I want
the wind in my hair as I kamikaze into
renaissance. I want you.

I don’t want to be one
of them, but one with you. We’ll twist
and turn – and we won’t ever stop.
I want to find you in me.
For that, I’ll face reality.

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